For JULLY

For JULLY

This is for faith, for hope and courage, for moving mountains and reaching the heavens

For the brave hearted, the ones who know that swimming means getting in the water.

This is for passion, for warriors unafraid of their desires, unafraid of the madness that comes with desire

This is for bliss, for the joy of a new born baby.

This is for strength, that the mighty can fall only to stand up, dust off and regain their vigor.

This is for friends, for love and uncalled for celebrations, for finding courage when we are weak and offering comfort when we least expect it

This is for dreams, for skies so uncertain they would make you die out of fear, fear of the unknown

This is for honor, for trust and respect of oneself, that we may become loyal to the things that we care about, things important to only us, that we may live as if it were our last day

This is for marvel, for finding beauty everywhere we look, beauty in the world as it is

This is for writing, anything, everything and nothing

This is for you Jully, for stirring the magic and madness of color in black and white

 

I want to paint you, i want to paint you on the wall where we first kissed, i want to paint you where everyone will see you, i want to paint your memory in my heart and on the streets, i want the earth to know that you were loved, you are loved and you matter, i want to paint my love for you in blue, red and orange but most of all i want to paint you in the colour of love

In that moment i wanted to love,

I fathomed love in all it’s portions and concoctions,

All it’s shortcomings and forth comings,

But most of all in its memories.

I wanted to love with my clandestine thoughts and hidden giggles,

I wanted to love with my heart,

I needed to love from within and without.

Across the oceans and the narrow seas,

I wanted to dance love to salsa beats and clamber to a little tango,

I needed to paint love all over the streets of Nairobi better than Picasso and Michelangelo,

I wanted to  sleep, eat and drink love.

It was essential that i do

This is a Note

I am afraid, I will be afraid… sometimes even terrified. I will be afraid to admit i am afraid. At other times i will think that i am the only one who is afraid in the room. But more often than not i will learn and i am learning that fear is a drive that has to be there at times… You can avoid it but fear always finds its way unless you conquer it. Unless you risk losing everything in one spin… For if you do not, you can never live a full life . So no am not afraid of being afraid because only then can i become the hero of my story. You can not know joy if you havent known sadness.

I need a doctor.

I can not see but i can feel and hear from a distance. The voices are frantic and in derailling despair. I need a doctor. My heart is almost coming to a halt. I see her. I feel her. She is looking at me with sheer ridicule. Ashamed that i am her owner, maybe, i think. I have crushed her, blinded her and broken her limb for limb. She is on the verge of death and i have done nothing but push her towards it. She will soon be going into a limbo if i do nothing about it. My heart is about to die on me. I really need a doctor for her. As if instinctively, i see her fall to the ground. Her eyes are in so much pain. Pain that could make you plead guilty for a murder you did not even witness. Pain that is far beyond anything i have ever felt. She is begging me to help her with those eyes. She is waiting for me to metamorph into her doctor. I need a doctor for my heart. Suddenly and very effortlessly she starts to fibrillate. I need a doctor, NOW. She is going into cardiac arrest. Soon, we will be out of air. Soon my brain will shut down. I look around but i don’t see a doctor. I look for my phone to call “911” but that too is missing. I really need a doctor. My heart clasps my hand tightly. “We may not make it May, ” she whispers in a half choked tone. Tears spring into my eyes and i can’t help it. This is the worst feeling i am yet to ever feel. Despair. The cold touch of death slowly creeping through your veins. Trust me, you know death when you see it. You know it has come for you when it taps your back and calls out your name sure of the spelling to the last letter. In school they never taught me this language that i currently need to speak life using. I need a doctor. I can feel her beat starting to ebb away. I am awash with emotions.I want to cry yet be brave for her. I want to tell her that i am sorry for not being there for her yet again i know she will tell me that i am there now in this moment. I don’t want to hear that. If she is gone, i am gone. That is just how it works. So i tell her to be still. I lie to her that everything is going to be fine. I hold her close and become one with the dying rythm of her glorious beats. I can’t ask myself how we got to this point of a bloody beatless heart. I know. So i whisper that i am sorry. I swear if she holds it together for me just one more time that i am going to be a good heart keeper. I promise to love her. I promise her patience, kindness, faithfullness and truth. Heck, i promise her the world. As i say this words to her, her eyes close. She places her head on my bossom. I know it’s goodbye. I needed a doctor yesterday, I need a handkerchief and some tissue now. I need roses and a great eulogy for the greatest heart i have ever met. I feel her warmth start to leave her body. I see her rythmic heaving start to cease. It is like i have been cut in two. Two great halves. I hold her closer and tighter. I have heard of babies who are born from still births yet wake up on being held close by their parents. I will wake her up. One minute, nothing happens. Two minutes, nothing. Five minutes, no sign of life. I weep. I weep for my heart. I weep for the murder of my heart by myself. I will never be the same again. I Bathe her lovely face with my tears. I know what she would have said at the sight of my tears. She would have told me to cry, cry till it stopped hurting. But this time it is different. This time i am sure it will not stop hurting. So i weep as hard as i can. As if the heavens hear my unsung prayer, i feel a faint heartbeat in her wrist which i have been tightly holding. If life is teasing me, i am not amused. I bring her hand next to my ear and listen. I know that it’s not supposed to be done that way but i want to hear a beat. Nothing. So i patiently place my fingers on her wrist. Never have i been this hopefull in my life. There is a beat. I know what i need. I need a defibrillator. I need electricity. I need to restart this heart of mine. I do not need a doctor. I am going to be my own doctor. As if answering to my call, i feel a tug run through my body. I do not question what that is. I know what that is, rather who it is.That is my heart, she works at the emergency room. She is electrocuting me at that very moment. She needs me to wake up and take charge of my life. I could never be more gratefull for life than at this very moment.

The best words ever given a melody

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder. You got the fear to eat but you always keep up that hunger. May you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid Love ever leave you empty handed. I hope you still feel small standing by the ocean. Whenever one door closes i hope another one opens. Promise me You’ll give faith a fighting chance, and when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, and never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might mean taking chances but they are worth the taking, Loving might be your mistake but it is worth the making. Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance. And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance, I hope you dance. I hope you still feel small standing by the ocean.. Promise me you will give faith a fighting chance…. Courtesy of Gladys Knight

Gambler’s Luck

She is dressed in a bewitching long black silk dress decorated with sequins lightly. If you walked into the room uninformed of her presence you would not see anything else in the room save for her. Her beauty precedes her character yet her character is something else. She is silent and talks only with her eyes. From this side of the table, you can see her curvy body trying to spring free from the dress. She is quite the sight.Her name is Life. Across the table is Joe; tall dark and handsome you could say. He has been spell bound by her beauty in what would seem to an outsider as forever timeline. His mind has been racing the whole night. This card game has turned out a whole compass point away from the direction he intended it to go. He is gambling with her. They call her “Thee gambling prodigy,” in these parts of the town. She is famous for her skills in the game of cards. Interestingly, no one seems to praise her for the exquisite sight she is. She knows her game plan all too well. For those who are asking, her money is where her mouth is. She never gives her opinion during her games. That would be cheating,wouldn’t it ? She has now taken a perched stature waiting for Joe to take bait. Joe is not a maestro but he is good. Really good. He decides to hold back the call on his cards and picks another set. He wonders why he even thought gambling with Lady Life would be a good idea. He knows he could loose everything within the fraction of a second and yet he could also beat the maestro of the game. “King of gamblers has quite the ring to it,” he is thinking silently. Winning the game could change a lot of things and yet losing also means something more important. How painful could losing to such an exotic beauty really be? It wouldn’t even hurt. His inner charmer is taunting with him. His decision to play this game means the world to him. However, it also means fighting to the last dime as it stands as of now. He is gambling for his Darling Divergence. He wants to get married to her. He loves her ways. He adores how she makes him different from other people. He loves how she tickles him with life giving inspiration each time she tells him how he is different. He can not let her down. Besides, she is pregnant with his child. That alone could make him do anything for her. How can one not see wonder when the woman they want to marry calls herself such a name, ” Divergent, different from all yet indifferent from none”. How would he be able to tell his children and grandchildren that he refused to face a woman? Was he not supposed to be his own man? Taking one last look at his cards he decides it is now or never. He calls it. Maybe, just maybe gambler’s luck is on his side today.

The convinience ball

The convinience ball.

The convinience ball

Shes pouched up on her gigantic bed too horrified to walk to the bathroom. “Funny how beds feel so big in these circumstances,” she is saying to herself. They are late again. The damned blood spots are late again. She knows she looked at the calender well but revisits it all the same. They are two days late. Two days is good, right?How some women go for a whole two months without knowing Mr Red pants did not show is still a miracle to her. She is thinking about calling her doctor friend to ask him what her chances are. She stops mid way. He is going to scold her for being careless for the umpteenth time. But she wasn’t careless, she knew her safe dates and she counted carefully. She is telling herself she has been on this road one too many times. Gambling with dear life is never a great experience. Who forced her to grow up too soon?? Wasn’t it her? Her own stupid self who put this burden of thoughts on her shoulder. She never wanted to be thinking about babies in this particular moment yet she has to. She has to think it through because she knows all too well that people are defined by their choices and what she did was a choice. She also doesn’t believe in mistakes. So this was not a mistake. Shes been in bed for two hours now, too afraid to get the pregnancy test done. The lady at the chemist explained how to use it proficiently though the lurking horror of it being positive seems to have made her forget everything with regards to the test. An abortion is not an option for her. She has seen how that destroys lives and makes people easily broken. Her friend Mina has has had two abortions so far. She is know an emotional wreck to anything that points in the direction of children. Mina is constantly pained by the fact that she will never have a first born or a second born. Mina says the two times were mistakes but they both know she was just being selfish when she made that choice. She just thought of what the society would think of her never of what they’d think of her baby. She was so worried about her education that she forgot about her babies life. The unborn baby did matter. So abortion for Kate is not a choice. She is too fragile to be constantly weighed down by guilt. That however is not her biggest worry. Her worst fear is the father’s acceptance. Will he accept this child? Will he love her and the child the same way he does? She wants her child to have a loving father always there for them. She needs her child to be with it’s father. She needs a family for her child. Kate has been brought up in a broken home where the parents were constantly fighting over custody yet none of them was a good parent. She does not want or need that for her child. Kate also knows her worst mistake would be settling down just because she is pregnant for him. She can never have that. She has seen people end up fighting and unhappy for their forever timeline just because they settled for convenience. She can not afford that. It’s not expensive but rather too costly for her and her baby. She needs to get married for love and never for convenience. Her child needs to feel that it is not the ” mistake” that brought its parents together. Pulling herself together she walks to the bathroom. She needs to get this over and done with. To her surprise, the stains are there. Shes never happy about this time of the month but this time round she is.

The convinience ball

Shes pouched up on her gigantic bed too horrified to walk to the bathroom. “Funny how beds feel so big in these circumstances,” she is saying to herself. They are late again. The damned blood spots are late again. She knows she looked at the calender well but revists it all the same. They are two days late. Two days is good, right?How some women go for a whole two months without knowing Mr Red pants did not show is still a miracle to her. She is thinking about calling her doctor friend to ask him what her chances are. She stops mid way. He is going to scold her for being careless for the umteenth time. But she wasnt careless, she knew her safe dates and she counted carefully. She is telling herself she has been on this road one too many times. Gambling with dear life is never a great experience. Who forced her to grow up too soon?? Wasn’t it her? Her own stupid self who put this burden of thoughts on her shoulder. She never wanted to be thinking about babies in this particular moment yet she has to. She has to think it through because she knows all too well that people are defined by their choices and what she did was a choice. She also doesn’t believe in mistakes. So this was not a mistake. Shes been in bed for two hours now, too afraid to get the pregnancy test done. The lady at the chemist explained how to use it proficiently though the lurking horror of it being positive seems to have made her forget everythng with regards to the test. An abortion is not an option for her. She has seen how that destroys lives and makes people easily broken. Her friend Mina has has had two abortions so far. She is know an emotional wreck to anything that points in the direction of children. Mina is constantly pained by the fact that she will never have a first born or a second born. Mina says the two times were mistakes but they both know she was just being selfish when she made that choice. She just thought of what the society would think of her never of what they’d think of her baby. She was so worried about her education that she forgot about her babie’s life. The unborn baby did matter. So abortion for Kate is not a choice. She is too fragile to be constatly weighed down by guilt. That however is not her biggest worry. Her worst fear is the father’s acceptance. Will he accept this child? Will he love her and the child the same way he does? She wants her child to have a loving father always there for them. She needs her child to be with it’s father. She needs a family for her child. Kate has been brought up in a broken home where the parents were constantly fighting over custody yet none of them was a good parent. She does not want or need that for her child. Kate also knows her worst mistake would be settling down just because she is pregnant for him. She can never have that. She has seen people end up fighting and unhappy for their forever timeline just beacause they settled for convinience. She can not afford that. It’s not expensive but rather too costly for her and her baby. She needs to get married for love and never for convinience. Her child needs to feel that it is not the ” mistake” that brought its parents together. Pulling herself together she walks to the bathroom. She needs to get this over and done with. To her surprise, the stains are there. Shes never happy about this time of the month but this time round she is.