I need a doctor.

I can not see but i can feel and hear from a distance. The voices are frantic and in derailling despair. I need a doctor. My heart is almost coming to a halt. I see her. I feel her. She is looking at me with sheer ridicule. Ashamed that i am her owner, maybe, i think. I have crushed her, blinded her and broken her limb for limb. She is on the verge of death and i have done nothing but push her towards it. She will soon be going into a limbo if i do nothing about it. My heart is about to die on me. I really need a doctor for her. As if instinctively, i see her fall to the ground. Her eyes are in so much pain. Pain that could make you plead guilty for a murder you did not even witness. Pain that is far beyond anything i have ever felt. She is begging me to help her with those eyes. She is waiting for me to metamorph into her doctor. I need a doctor for my heart. Suddenly and very effortlessly she starts to fibrillate. I need a doctor, NOW. She is going into cardiac arrest. Soon, we will be out of air. Soon my brain will shut down. I look around but i don’t see a doctor. I look for my phone to call “911” but that too is missing. I really need a doctor. My heart clasps my hand tightly. “We may not make it May, ” she whispers in a half choked tone. Tears spring into my eyes and i can’t help it. This is the worst feeling i am yet to ever feel. Despair. The cold touch of death slowly creeping through your veins. Trust me, you know death when you see it. You know it has come for you when it taps your back and calls out your name sure of the spelling to the last letter. In school they never taught me this language that i currently need to speak life using. I need a doctor. I can feel her beat starting to ebb away. I am awash with emotions.I want to cry yet be brave for her. I want to tell her that i am sorry for not being there for her yet again i know she will tell me that i am there now in this moment. I don’t want to hear that. If she is gone, i am gone. That is just how it works. So i tell her to be still. I lie to her that everything is going to be fine. I hold her close and become one with the dying rythm of her glorious beats. I can’t ask myself how we got to this point of a bloody beatless heart. I know. So i whisper that i am sorry. I swear if she holds it together for me just one more time that i am going to be a good heart keeper. I promise to love her. I promise her patience, kindness, faithfullness and truth. Heck, i promise her the world. As i say this words to her, her eyes close. She places her head on my bossom. I know it’s goodbye. I needed a doctor yesterday, I need a handkerchief and some tissue now. I need roses and a great eulogy for the greatest heart i have ever met. I feel her warmth start to leave her body. I see her rythmic heaving start to cease. It is like i have been cut in two. Two great halves. I hold her closer and tighter. I have heard of babies who are born from still births yet wake up on being held close by their parents. I will wake her up. One minute, nothing happens. Two minutes, nothing. Five minutes, no sign of life. I weep. I weep for my heart. I weep for the murder of my heart by myself. I will never be the same again. I Bathe her lovely face with my tears. I know what she would have said at the sight of my tears. She would have told me to cry, cry till it stopped hurting. But this time it is different. This time i am sure it will not stop hurting. So i weep as hard as i can. As if the heavens hear my unsung prayer, i feel a faint heartbeat in her wrist which i have been tightly holding. If life is teasing me, i am not amused. I bring her hand next to my ear and listen. I know that it’s not supposed to be done that way but i want to hear a beat. Nothing. So i patiently place my fingers on her wrist. Never have i been this hopefull in my life. There is a beat. I know what i need. I need a defibrillator. I need electricity. I need to restart this heart of mine. I do not need a doctor. I am going to be my own doctor. As if answering to my call, i feel a tug run through my body. I do not question what that is. I know what that is, rather who it is.That is my heart, she works at the emergency room. She is electrocuting me at that very moment. She needs me to wake up and take charge of my life. I could never be more gratefull for life than at this very moment.